Seeds of Hope

Dr. Garland — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:17:00 +0000

Though I do not believe that a plant will spring

up where no seed has been, I have great faith

in a seed. Convince me that you have a seed

there, and I am prepared to expect wonders.

-Henry David Thoreau

Many people have written to me that they are having difficulty "letting go" past hurt/betrayal. A boyfriend, wife, lover, partner has left them and they are feeling empty and angry. Whether it's 15 years, months or days, when an individual gives of him/herself and becomes vulnerable, any kind of rejection/betrayal can hurt deeply. The sting of rejection can be painful and overwhelming. Often times, anger comes to the rescue and removes us from the pain allowing us to be indignant and righteous. Anger is a reactive emotion. Anger comes when another emotion is experienced (pain, discomfort, sadness etc.) and we find it difficult to tolerate (sit with or experience) the pain. Essentially, anger rescues us from the pain. Anger wouldn't exist if there wasn't a primary emotion acting as a seed. Anger can also be a powerful motivator for negative actions. Abusive behavior either verbal or physical can be motivated from the anger of rejection. These reactions are negative on many levels. Typically, these negative behaviors are intended to and do hurt someone else. When our initial drive is to make another person experience the same intensity of pain that we have felt, we need to reassess our motivation for behaving a certain way. What's the other choice? Forgiveness, of course.

Any discussion of forgiveness needs to start with the caveat that it should be practiced as it is not always the easiest action to take. Forgiveness goes beyond "turning the other cheek" or just "forgetting." One definition of forgiveness states that forgiveness is the willingness to give up the your right to resentment, negative judgment and indifferent behavior. True forgiveness is comprised of compassion/empathy, understanding, love and acceptance. Forgiveness is one of the components necessary in an evolving and deepening relationship. Being able to forgive also allows us and those around us to be able to make mistakes, and it allows us to be perfectly and imperfectly human. Forgiveness is a choice and it takes time. It is a gradual, non-linear process that allows the individual to feel less estranged from the offender and eventually reestablish a connection through inner reconciliation (Enright and the Human Development Study Group, 1991). So, let's face it, forgiveness isn't easy.

Sometimes, we think that we are forgiving and we are really just trying to avoid a confrontation, our own anger or having to look deeper at a potential problem, and, sometimes, it is just more convenient to say that we are forgiving someone. This forgiveness is considered to be false and not the true forgiveness that can release us. So, how do we truly forgive someone? Acknowledging the transgression, experiencing the range of emotions, tolerating the pain and then reassessing the offender are part of the process of forgiveness. The time it takes to go through the process varies from individual to individual and transgression to transgression. Certainly, an individual who has experienced years of sexual abuse will be going through a different process than someone who is in the process of leaving a 6 month relationship; however, this does not mean that the pain and process is not a reality in both situations. Regardless, forgiveness is an important capacity to incorporate into all human relationships

Bibliography

Cosgrove, L., & Konstam, V. (2008). Forgiveness and forgetting: Clinical implications for mental health counselors. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 30 (1) pp. 1-13.

Enright, R.D., & the Human Development Study Group (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. In W.Kurtines & J. Gerwirtz (Eds.), Handbook of moral behavior and development (vol.1, pp. 123-152). Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.

Welcome

Dr. Garland — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 19:59:00 +0000

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Answers by Dr. Hilary Garland

Seeds of Hope

Welcome